The truth is, this has been a shitty week. Sunday we had a big day planned with family that we were all looking forward to and everything fell through at the last minute and it just sucked. It was Sunday afternoon that I had a bit of a meltdown actually. Maybe a panic attack. Whatever it was, it was a release that I clearly needed and I had been holding in for a while. Sunday crapiness rolled into Monday poopcapades which turned into Tuesday shitnik. My week just started off on the wrong foot. Thank god for a couple planned play dates to get me out of the house. Otherwise, I would have been tempted to lock myself in my room and sleep the week away.
E is still having a bit of a tough time adjusting. Still ever so gentle and never lashing out towards R, but reacting to the lack of routine in his life I think the most. It's impossible to explain to a three year old why you can not do a particular task for them at that moment. For the most part I'm getting pretty good at doing most things with one hand while I hold, bounce, nurse a baby in the other. But there are certain things that just have to wait. Patience is hard to come by in this house lately.
Temper tantrums, screaming, so so much crying. E is a different kid these days. And I feel like a horrible Mom. I know this is normal. I know it's just a phase. I know it will get better. But I can't help but feel helpless and sad. I can't help but be disappointed in myself at the end of the day for feeling like I handled a certain situation in a poor manner. I know this is Motherhood, but sometimes it just sucks. There, I said it.
So it got me thinking. Maybe we (E and I in particular) need a change of scenery? Maybe we could use some fresh air to re-group? A trip back home and a little vacation I think is just what we need.
I called up my Mom to make plans for our last minute trip home and when talking to her a bit about Sunday's crapiness, I accidentally let out the words, "nothing ever works out". The unwritten rule when talking to my Mom is to never say never or speak negatively or cry boo-hoo. She'll always put you in your place. And she did, again, like she always does.
Okay, okay, okay. I am blessed with two amazing children and a loving husband and I have a roof over my head and I could go on and on and on. But sometimes things suck and you need to vent.
Then I read this post, titled The Too Good'a Home Birth Blues from Bring Birth Home and I couldn't believe how perfectly written it was for me. Go read it and listen to it. It's awesome.
Because yes, I gave birth at home and I freaking rocked that birth. And yes, everything went so smoothly and perfectly. But now everything is catching up to me. When R was born I kept telling myself that everything was too good to be true. That maybe something bad was meant to happen soon. I know that is terribly negative of me and hopefully this is the worst of it.
We are 6 weeks in now and I have gone from, Week 1 - "I'm feeling great! I feel so blessed!" to Week 2 - "R is such an easy baby! I could totally have a 3rd child!" to Week 3 - "E is adjusting, but this is normal!" to Week 4 - "This is normal, right?" to Week 5 - "Play date? Yes, please! Get me out of this house!" to Week 6 - "How is my Mother not completely insane after 11 children? How is she still alive?!".
So yeah, that's where I'm standing right now. Because as awesome as everything has gone and how blessed I am and much more confident and calmer I am for being a second time Mom, life is still tough. And I need to thank the high heavens for friends that are only a text message away and play dates that wear out my screaming toddler enough for him to have an afternoon nap, and friends that are going through the same thing as me that I can vent to and share stories with, and a home away from home that I can retreat to when the going gets tough. And that's where we'll be next week.