This vacation time is killing me. Not because I have been working a lot from home and doing office runs for the last two weeks and techincally haven't had a true vacation from my workplace. No, I can handle that. It's the overwhelming love I have for E when I get to spend every waking and non-waking hour with him for two weeks straight and the constant feeling inside that this should be the way it is everyday. I wish I could spend my days with him - baking muffins, exploring the city, playing in the park. This is where I feel I belong and it hurts. It hurts because my vacation time is almost over and I just don't want to go back.
As I'm writing this, tears are forming in my eyes. I feel a lump in my throat. I don't know why it's making me so emotional. I'm just so freaking proud of E and the little man he has become so far. I know I'm not missing THAT much, but I can't help but think of the little things I am missing while I am away at work five days a week.
I've had a few eye opening events with E this week that have reminded me just how big he is getting. It's so true that they grow up too fast. I had already forgotten many of his little milestones until I stepped back this week in amazement and realized just how far he has come.
It seems like yesterday that I was spoon feeding him and watching his eyes light up with delight when something sweet like pureed fruits hit his lips. He would bop up and down in his high chair, clap his hands and squeal with excitement. I wished I knew what he was thinking and sometimes I imagined what he was saying. These sounds were music to my ears. Sounds that assured me that he was happy and what else does a Mother want in life?
This week I made mini-muffins (carrot and zucchini - yum!) while E was napping. When he awoke from the couch, he wasn't his usual grumpy self. He ran over to the kitchen and asked, "Whatcha makin', Mommy?" He proceeded to grab a chair from the dining room and push it up to the kitchen counter. He watched in amazement as I removed them from the tins and placed them on the cooling racks. He hovered his hands over them and felt their warmth and started chanting, "Muffins! Muffins! Muffins!". Then he talked. And he didn't stop talking. "Mmm muffins, Mommy. I loooove muffins, Mommy. Thanks, Mommy. Thanks a makin' muffins. I want to eat them. I want to eat three." When he starts talking like this I know he is happy. He gets so excited he chats and chats and chats and I just sit back and listen to him spill out the words. He ended up having three and then ran back and stole a fourth. He told me that they tasted "sooooo good". He was so very happy that I made muffins and could express his feelings of joy. There was still squealing and bopping up and down, but the words, oh the words that come with his actions just melt my heart. Now I know what he's thinking and feeling and I never want him to stop telling me.
And the manners. His manners amaze me. I swear I'm not that strict with manners, but he almost never forgets his. An elderly man approached us at Subway last week with a cookie in hand just purchased especially for E. He had been watching us from across the restaurant he said. E was a very good little boy he said. E smiled and genuinely said, "Thanks!" and made me so proud. Unfortunately, E couldn't eat the cookie (allergies), but I tucked it in my purse and swapped it for some fresh market berries when we got home. And yes, I enjoyed that chocolate chip cookie. It seems like just yesterday that I was thanking people for E. Now he is the first to say, "Thanks so much" to the waitress that places his plate of breakfast in front of him. Such a polite little boy.
Then there was the cell phone call from his Dad who was working late the other night. This is a ritual in our house. Hubby usually always calls and talks to E on the phone if he won't be home before he goes to bed. The crazy thing now is that the two of them can have a conversation and I don't need to intervene or tell Hubby about E's expressions. I don't need to put the call on speak phone so I can fill in the blanks. E tells Daddy all about his day and tells him he loves him. Amazing.
He is not a perfect little angel everyday, all day. But he is one special little boy. And I am one proud and happy Mama these days.