Thursday, February 7, 2013

My new space

I've decided to close up shop here. I needed a new space, a fresh start. You can find my new blog in the link below. I hope you'll join me there!

The Inner Work of Mama: http://theinnerworkofmama.blogspot.ca/

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Just like a really messy house

You know when your house starts getting really messy and the mess accumulates every single day and the more messy it becomes, the harder it is to just start cleaning it because it just seems so darn overwhelmingly? Like, where do I start?!

Yeah, that's where I am with keeping up with my blogging lately. Life is messy these days and although I mentally blog everyday I'm having a hard time getting back on track with actually writing them out. I'll clean up my act soon enough. That is all.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Feeling like a crappy Mom today

I'm tired. Hubby has been away since last Friday and returns on Sunday. Solo-parenting blows. 7 days down and I'm spent.

I'm so lucky to have a regular routine now with my MIL - I've been dropping E off for dinner on Friday evenings and pick him back up Saturday morning. It's a special time for them to spend together and a night off for me and that's all that matters.

When we first started this new schedule a few months ago, I really missed E. Isn't that crazy? It was only a few waking hours that he wasn't around, but I missed the kid like crazy. Now that the colder weather is here and we seem to be stuck inside a bit more during the day, I am really appreciating the break much more. Especially this week.

For the most part, I've done a pretty swell job at staying sane this week. We got out for some hikes with a friend, got some window shopping in while E was in preschool and we went to story time and got a ton of new books at the library.  It was all the in between stuff that kind of sucked. Like the painting and craft messes, the NO!!!!!'s, and for the love of god is it too much to ask for a preschooler to not bang around and scream when I'm putting the baby down for a nap?!

I feel like the colder weather is totally bringing me down. I am lacking the energy to get out of the house and at the same time angry with myself for putting it off. E is bored and frustrated with me lately, I know. I can tell by his outbursts - he's just not his happy self. I absolutely love my days with my kids and the thought of having to go back to work makes me sick, but lately I feel like I am almost doing E a disservice by making him stay home with me. I know, it's silly but on days like today where I feel like we accomplished nothing, I taught him nothing and all he seemed to do was cry and scream about nothing, I feel like a crappy stay-at-home Mom. I want to teach him so many things. I want him to experience new things. These things aren't happening. Ugh.

Part of my battle is being so mindful of my energy and feelings and E's energy now. I know that my behaviour is directly reflected in his. I know I need to stop worrying about the future. I know I need to take one day at time. Here, today, now I'm just so frustrated with myself.

Tonight I'm enjoying my little 1/2 break (it's just R and I). Back to full-time work tomorrow, with more positivity and more little moments to relish in like this one from today...


This will never get old.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Following my intuition

Have you ever had that feeling that something was just meant to be? I've had a series of these feelings for months now and have mindfully chosen not to ignore them.  I'm embracing these little intuitions because I trust in them and I know that there must be a reason for them. It's really exciting listening to yourself and being mindful of these feelings. It really is something I wish everyone could experience. Isn't it funny that we have to mindfully do so?

***
I've been trying to pin point where it all began and I think the turning point for me was when I made the decision to have a home birth with R. That was a huge decision. No one in my family or close circle of friends had even considered it. Heck most of them thought and still think I am crazy. I completely stepped out of a comfort zone (for many, not me) and it made it that much more exhilarating for me. I was stepping out of the norm and doing something I completely believed in. I knew that I could have a successful home birth within my control and standing up to the naysayers really boosted my confidence. That decision was kind of a huge deal for me and I was darn proud of it. It just felt right at the time and so I went with it. It was where I was meant to be.

***
I always wanted to dive in to yoga and feel like meeting Amanda, owner of Little Lotus Yoga, was perfect timing. I signed up for one of her pre-natal yoga classes and absolutely loved it.  Years ago, I remember wondering what all the fuss about yoga was. I wasn't ready then. Now, I have fully embraced yoga and this new way of life. It's amazing! I think my prior experience in Hypnobirthing with E's birth had set me up for some understanding and is why I initially fell in love with yoga so quickly. They are complimentary practices that I could relate to. Hearing stories from my sister who dove in to yoga while studying out west always intrigued me. When she would send stories by email from her trip to India, I was even more excited and knew that this was something that I really enjoyed too. So I followed my gut and participated in a yoga class and I believe it had a huge impact on my healthy pregnancy and birth and now, my well-being.

***
Hubby and I were having a hard time narrowing down baby names near the end of my pregnancy. We each had a name we liked but didn't fancy each others. One day while I was driving I was thinking of a name Hubby had chosen and created a name out of it. It was funny how it just came to me out of nowhere.  After weeks of texting each other names and replies of, "no way", "ya right", and "um no", I texted Hubby that day and asked, "What do you think about R?" and he replied, "I love it". It wasn't until I got home and looked up the meaning that it had both an Irish meaning (Hubby's family background) and a Sanskrit meaning (ancient language of India) that I loved. So that was that. R's name was chosen (should he be a boy). It was meant to be.

***
The fact that I looked up the book "Buddhism for Mothers : A calm approach to to caring for yourself and your children" when I was pregnant and then my sister came to visit and had taken it out of the library for me, thinking I might like it? Meant to be. I didn't read it the first time I had it my hands so I asked her to take it out again for me six weeks later. Everything I read in the book was what I was looking for at that time in my life. I loved it.

***
Big, exciting things like this keep happening. Stars keep aligning. I can only attribute them to my confidence and trust in my mind and body and my ability to listen to them. There are more swirling around in my head and only a matter of time until I discover their ultimate plan. I'm listening and following.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Little moments

Capital Mom used to host a Monday Moments link-up that I really enjoyed participating in. It was a great reminder for me to live in the moment and to journal those little moments that may otherwise be forgotten.

I recently saw an idea for Pinterest for children to have journal beside their bed to either write or draw their favourite moment if the day before bed time. I love this idea. Since E isn't quite ready for this yet, I do still try to talk to him about our highs and lows of the day. I love these little conversations and I only hope we can always have an open relationship like this.

I recently started a new way to track little moments I want to remember. It's all part of my new journey in mindful parenting and living. So far, I've just been keeping them in a note on my phone and most of them also have a picture that I have uploaded to Instagram to go with it. I am trying to make sure I have one for each day and hope to transfer more of them here. Here are a few examples of the little moments I keep close to my heart:

  • I'm lying in E's bed with him as he drifts off to sleep. R is still up, downstairs watching sports with his Daddy. All I can here is Hubby repeating little lovable words and noises and R laughing uncontrollably. I have a permanent smile on my face. I could have have fallen asleep right then, in my bliss.
  • This morning I woke up to the sound of R's early morning babbling and peeked over the side of his bassinet. I was greeted with the biggest grin, squeals of delight and bouncing, dancing limbs. How can you have a bad day after that?
  • It has become a regular daily routine to fold laundry and give R some time to roll around on the floor around me. E is always nearby as he can not stand to be another room without me. Today he played with his cars and was making a tower of blocks. Every and any thing that came out of his mouth made R giggle. It was so fun to see them "play" together for the first time.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bananas and strawberries and even buttered popcorn

Tonight as I'm washing the dishes, a very familiar scent teased me. It was a sweet smell that reminded me of something, something I couldn't quite put my finger on and I didn't know which dirty dish it was coming from. I got half way through my chore until I finally thought of it. It was the smell of R's breath!

Some may think it's weird, but I love the smell of my breastfed babies breaths. It took me months to compare the smell of E's sweet breath until I pinned it down to that of a perfectly ripe banana. Whenever I smell a banana, I'm always reminded of our bedtime routine and kisses goodnight on his sweet smelling face and early morning nursings before we both headed out the door during those last months of our nursing relationship.

The sweet aroma I smelled tonight was both different and very similar to that smell of natural sugary sweet banana. It wasn't until I lifted the last pot in the sink to find a dirty popsicle mold that I finally matched the smell. E finished off the last pureed strawberry-spinach popsicle we made today. Fresh strawberries! That was the smell.

I'm sure everyone has heard someone say that they would like to bottle up the smell of a newborns head. I know I would. That intoxicating smell is drifting away quickly now that R is 5 months (!). I would put that bottle on a shelf that only I could reach and have access to. Lined beside it would also be my bottles of perfectly ripe bananas, freshly picked strawberries, and call-me-crazy even buttered popcorn (yes, you know what I'm referring to).